Creating a Soul Satisfying Marriage

This week I was lucky enough to attend the World Congress of Families held in Salt Lake City, October 27-30, 2015.  One of the speakers I particularly liked was Wendy Ulrich.  She is an author and former President of the Association of Mormon counselors and Psychologists.   She talked about marriage and how we will navigate through 4 stages in marriage. 

1.  Honeymoon Stage…I love everything about my Snuggles.

This is the stage when our hormones check in.  We have finally found the one that will replace our parents.  This person will be our primary attachment bond.  At this stage we feel better about ourselves and we feel more loving. 

Unfortunately, this stage does not last forever.  Caution:  Those who are the happiest are the ones who are realistic and realize that their new partner has flaws.  We need to realize that love is worth the risk and some vulnerability is good. 

2.  The I Love You But….power struggle stage. 

We have come to realize that the person we married has some weird habits and they don’t actually share all our goals and values. 

Maybe we aren’t compatible after all!

Will we work things out?  This stage pushes us to our growing edge.  Change and growth is the meat and potatoes of married life.

Marital success and satisfaction depends on how well we solve problems together.  Dr. Gottman in his book, The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work,  said that 69% of marital problems will never get fully solved.  Well, my marriage is normal after all!  We must have a sense of humor, compassion and a curiosity about how our spouse turned out the way they did at this stage. 

We need to learn to claim our power without being overpowering.  Maybe we need to address our problems by asking our spouse, “So, how open minded are you feeling?”  We need to talk and be committed to civility. 

Brene Brown teaches us to begin a weighty conversation with, “The story I’m making up in my head about this is…” 

3.  What was your name again…distancing yourself stage.

In this phase you might feel like you are surviving and not thriving and wondering if it’s all worth it.  This is a time when you might want to have a little independence.  You still value unity as a family but you may travel a bit on separate paths that will converge again just down the pathway.  You use this distance as a time to learn.  This is not giving up but growing up. 

4.  Acceptance stage.

This is when you begin to deeply value and respect your spouse.  You drop all the blame and shame.  Each problem you work through is like a drop of glue that holds you together.  It transforms us into something we love.  We grow old together.  We grow up together.