Predicting Divorce

Predicting Divorce

How would you describe your marriage?  Happy, hectic, stressful or loving? 

No marriage is perfect but when two people are committed to staying together, they look for ways to help understand each other, build loving friendship and look ahead to help minimize the bumps in the road. 

SIGNS TO WATCH FOR

The first sign:  Harsh Start Up

Are you or your spouse negative and argumentative from the get go?  Are you sarcastic and critical right off the bat in an argument?  This is referred to as a harsh start up.  Disagreements started off this way are destined to end on a negative note.

 

The second sign:  The 4 Horsemen

Horseman #1  Criticism

A criticism goes beyond a complaint and adds some negative words about your mate’s character or personality. 

Horseman #2  Contempt

Contempt conveys disgust.  Sarcasm and cynicism are types of contempt.  Name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery and hostile humor are all forms of contempt.  Contempt can only lead to more conflict. 

Couples who are contemptuous of each other

are more likely to suffer from infectious

illnesses than other people.

Horseman #3  Defensiveness

Defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner.  The problem isn’t me, it’s you. 

Horseman #4  Stonewalling

One partner tunes out the other.  The less responsive the partner is the more the other yells.  Stonewallers avoid a fight but they also avoid their marriages.

The third sign:  Flooding

Flooding means that your spouse’s negativity is so overwhelming, and so sudden, that it leaves you shell shocked.  You feel defenseless and do anything to avoid the situation.  You emotionally disengage.   

The fourth sign:  Body language

Your heart speeds up, hormonal changes occur, blood pressure goes up and your body secretes adrenaline which kicks I the fight or flight response.  The body perceives your current situation as dangerous.  Your ability to process information is reduced.  It’s harder to pay attention.  Your options at this point are: fight, act critical and contemptuous, or defensive or flee, stonewall. 

The fifth sign:  Failed repair attempts

Repair attempts are efforts the couple is making to deescalate the tension during a touchy discussion.  This puts the brakes on flooding.  Repair attempts save a marriage. 

The sixth sign:  Bad memories

When a couple is so deeply entrenched in a negative view of their spouse and their marriage they often rewrite the past.  We remember everything that has gone wrong in the past.   

The key to reviving or divorce-proofing you marriage relationship is not in how you handle disagreements but in how you are with each other when you’re not fighting 

Strengthening your friendship is at the heart of every happy marriage.

Source:  The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman PH. D.