Don't be an Outlaw!

5 things every parent-in law should avoid


1. Giving advice

2. Criticizing

3. Pinning down children for missing family events

4.  Criticizing or taking over disciplining grandchildren

5.  Trying to control everyone and everything

Well, how do you stack up?  Do you see any of these things you need to work on?  I know I do.  It's hard when you've been a mom all your life to just let things go.  It's been your job to see that things are done right.  Now I want to make it my job to enjoy life and have some fun with those grandchildren.

May 2016 be a year of more fun and less fussing at Nana's house.  

                 

  

Family Council

 Family councils can keep our families organized and on the same page.  They help us shape our values and implement plans into our families that bring peace and contentment to our lives.  They help us come to a consensus on what is best for our family as a whole.

How to hold a family council.

Be thinking about the concerns and ideas that need to be addressed in your family.  These can be made into an agenda.  A formal agenda isn't necessary but it's good to give everyone a heads up so they have an opportunity to share their thoughts and feelings.

Choose a regular time and place.  Let the family know when and where that is.

Express love for each other.

Open the meeting with a prayer and invite the spirit to be with all that are there.

Bring up items to be discussed.  Give everyone a time to voice their opinions.  Encourage others to listen while one speaks at a time.

Keep the discussion going until a consensus is reached.

Make the plan to move forward with the item.  Be specific in what you'll do.

Close with a prayer and blessing on the refreshments.

End with some refreshments to cement together the feeling of unity that you've just shared.

Follow up on what you said you'd do.

Thoughts on Intimacy in Marriage

Thy Twain Shall Be One

Husbands spend time with your wives.  How wonderful it is when a husband and wife can dream together.  Love and cherish every moment you can spend together.  Choose hobbies you can both enjoy and grow old doing them. 

Husbands, please put your wives first.  The way you speak to her and the things you speak to her about help her know she is important to you.   Wives look forward to their husbands returning home from work, especially when the children are young, and want to feel like their husbands are glad to see them.  Both may be tired but it is important to be kind and loving.  

Husbands, ask how her day went.  Let her know you care about the things that have gone on in her life that day.  Most wives love a hug and a kiss.  Sincerely complement your wife for the things she has done.  It is so satisfying to snuggle on the couch at the end of a long day, even if it is to share the news or a show you pick together.  You might be surprised to find out that your wife actually likes football!  

Romance your wife.  For me this doesn't have anything to do with gifts.  Let your kiss linger a little longer than usual.  Touch the back of my neck when we are sitting together.  Take my hand as we walk into the grocery store together.  Give me the "I love you" symbol when I look over at you in the temple.  I promise you it will be worth it.  

Wives, always look for the good in your husband.  Focusing on all the good helps us to want to improve and nurture our relationships and improve intimacy in our marriages.  Learn your husbands love language and show him you love him by doing what he like. 

Take the time to learn about his interests and take some interest in them yourself.  You might be surprised to learn you like some new things.  Focus more on what your husband does right than what he does wrong.  While many of us see our husband's job as something he gets to do every day, they may see it some days as something they have to do  to support the family.  Show appreciation for what they go off and do every day.     

Marriage is so much more fulfilling when the husband treats his wife as a queen and the wife treats her husband as a king.  

Fathers Matter in a Marriage

Marriage increases the likelihood that fathers have good relationships with their children.  

Single mothers report more conflict and less monitoring of their children than do married mothers.

Children need to have a father in their lives and in their homes!  It does matter.

65% of children with parents that divorced had poor relationships with their fathers.  This is compared to 29% from non-divorced families.

Children need to see their fathers and have daily affectionate relationships with them.

Professor David Eggebeen of Penn State University says, "The evidence is in and it is clear that fathers do matter for the lives of children.  Hundreds of studies over the last two decades have shown a measurable impact on their children."

The harmful effects of fatherlessness have been well documented.

Fathers, your children need you!  

Overcoming Gridlock

In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman gives us the steps necessary to overcome gridlock in our marriages.  This is a fantastic book that I would recommend everyone read.  Here is what he tells us:

The goal in ending gridlock is not to solve the problem but rather to move from gridlock to dialogue.  It's important to learn how to speak with each other and not hurt each other.  Happy couples learn to incorporate each others goals and dreams into their marriages.  They give each other an understanding of their heart and work toward compromise.

1.  First you must define your minimal core value that you cannot yield on.

2.  Second you must define the areas of flexibility.

3.  Then you devise a temporary compromise that honors both of your dreams.

4.  Work on this for a set amount of time, decide if it's working and rework if necessary.

When we recognize our differences and realize that they will always be with us we understand how important it is to learn to not only accept them but to celebrate them if we can.

Gridlock is not always easy to overcome and may take some time to work through but we need to be diligent and be willing to accept each other's viewpoint without judgement.  Finally we need to count our blessings, find thanksgiving and express gratitude for all we have.

We need to be patient and be committed, with faith, to move through our differences to find joy and love in our relationships.

Enduring Love

There is nothing in God's work I will ever do that will be more important than blessing my covenant partner.  Goddard, H. Wallace, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage

Beware of Pride

Just when you think you have this marriage thing down pride rears its ugly head.  Most of us don't think it is a problem we have, but can see it in the  people around us.  Even our spouses.  President Benson gives us some council about not letting pride enter our lives.

The Book of Mormon is a record of a fallen people.  Why did they fall?  Pride.  In Latter day scripture we are told "Beware of pride lest ye become as the Nephites of old."  D & C 38:39.  Pride took down Lucifer when he asked that the glory be his in the premortal council.  We are also told that the proud will burn as stubble at the end of the world.  In our time both Oliver Cowdery and Emma Smith, wife of the prophet, were warned to beware of pride.

Interestingly enough, President Benson tells us that pride is a very misunderstood sin, and many are sinning in ignorance.  Most of us think of pride as self centeredness, conceit, boastfulness or arrogance.  The heart of pride is enmity.  Hostility to God and to our fellow men.  Pride pits our will against God's.  The proud can not accepts the authority of God giving them direction in their lives.

C. S. Lewis tells us, "Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man."  Selfishness is one of the more common faces of pride along with contention.  It is contention in our families and marriages that drives the spirit away.  Pride affects our relationships with God, our spouse, our children and all mankind.

We can't afford to let pride into our homes and our marriages.  So what is the antidote of pride?  Humility.  When we humble ourselves we choose to be forgiving, to receive council, to give service and to love God and accept his will.

God wants us to be a loving people.  He wants us to have strong families and marriages so that His plan will roll forth.  He wants us to fulfill our divine destiny.  

Creating a Soul Satisfying Marriage

This week I was lucky enough to attend the World Congress of Families held in Salt Lake City, October 27-30, 2015.  One of the speakers I particularly liked was Wendy Ulrich.  She is an author and former President of the Association of Mormon counselors and Psychologists.   She talked about marriage and how we will navigate through 4 stages in marriage. 

1.  Honeymoon Stage…I love everything about my Snuggles.

This is the stage when our hormones check in.  We have finally found the one that will replace our parents.  This person will be our primary attachment bond.  At this stage we feel better about ourselves and we feel more loving. 

Unfortunately, this stage does not last forever.  Caution:  Those who are the happiest are the ones who are realistic and realize that their new partner has flaws.  We need to realize that love is worth the risk and some vulnerability is good. 

2.  The I Love You But….power struggle stage. 

We have come to realize that the person we married has some weird habits and they don’t actually share all our goals and values. 

Maybe we aren’t compatible after all!

Will we work things out?  This stage pushes us to our growing edge.  Change and growth is the meat and potatoes of married life.

Marital success and satisfaction depends on how well we solve problems together.  Dr. Gottman in his book, The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work,  said that 69% of marital problems will never get fully solved.  Well, my marriage is normal after all!  We must have a sense of humor, compassion and a curiosity about how our spouse turned out the way they did at this stage. 

We need to learn to claim our power without being overpowering.  Maybe we need to address our problems by asking our spouse, “So, how open minded are you feeling?”  We need to talk and be committed to civility. 

Brene Brown teaches us to begin a weighty conversation with, “The story I’m making up in my head about this is…” 

3.  What was your name again…distancing yourself stage.

In this phase you might feel like you are surviving and not thriving and wondering if it’s all worth it.  This is a time when you might want to have a little independence.  You still value unity as a family but you may travel a bit on separate paths that will converge again just down the pathway.  You use this distance as a time to learn.  This is not giving up but growing up. 

4.  Acceptance stage.

This is when you begin to deeply value and respect your spouse.  You drop all the blame and shame.  Each problem you work through is like a drop of glue that holds you together.  It transforms us into something we love.  We grow old together.  We grow up together. 

What do you think?

The most valued qualities in a mate.

(source:  Adapted from Buss et al. 2001)

By men                                                                 By women
1.  Mutual attraction, love                                      1.  Mutual attraction, love
2.  Dependable character                                       2.  Dependable character
3.  Emotional stability, maturity                               3.  Emotional stability, maturity
4.  Pleasing disposition                                           4.  Pleasing disposition
5.  Education, intelligence                                       5.  Education, intelligence
6.  Good health                                                      6.  Desire for home, children
7.  Sociability                                                         7.  Ambition, industriousness
8.  Good looks                                                       8.  Sociability
9.  Desire for home, children                                   9.  Good health
10. Ambition, industriousness                                 10. Similar education background

How does your list stack up? 

 Are you surprised by how well these lists match up?  

Predicting Divorce

Predicting Divorce

How would you describe your marriage?  Happy, hectic, stressful or loving? 

No marriage is perfect but when two people are committed to staying together, they look for ways to help understand each other, build loving friendship and look ahead to help minimize the bumps in the road. 

SIGNS TO WATCH FOR

The first sign:  Harsh Start Up

Are you or your spouse negative and argumentative from the get go?  Are you sarcastic and critical right off the bat in an argument?  This is referred to as a harsh start up.  Disagreements started off this way are destined to end on a negative note.

 

The second sign:  The 4 Horsemen

Horseman #1  Criticism

A criticism goes beyond a complaint and adds some negative words about your mate’s character or personality. 

Horseman #2  Contempt

Contempt conveys disgust.  Sarcasm and cynicism are types of contempt.  Name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery and hostile humor are all forms of contempt.  Contempt can only lead to more conflict. 

Couples who are contemptuous of each other

are more likely to suffer from infectious

illnesses than other people.

Horseman #3  Defensiveness

Defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner.  The problem isn’t me, it’s you. 

Horseman #4  Stonewalling

One partner tunes out the other.  The less responsive the partner is the more the other yells.  Stonewallers avoid a fight but they also avoid their marriages.

The third sign:  Flooding

Flooding means that your spouse’s negativity is so overwhelming, and so sudden, that it leaves you shell shocked.  You feel defenseless and do anything to avoid the situation.  You emotionally disengage.   

The fourth sign:  Body language

Your heart speeds up, hormonal changes occur, blood pressure goes up and your body secretes adrenaline which kicks I the fight or flight response.  The body perceives your current situation as dangerous.  Your ability to process information is reduced.  It’s harder to pay attention.  Your options at this point are: fight, act critical and contemptuous, or defensive or flee, stonewall. 

The fifth sign:  Failed repair attempts

Repair attempts are efforts the couple is making to deescalate the tension during a touchy discussion.  This puts the brakes on flooding.  Repair attempts save a marriage. 

The sixth sign:  Bad memories

When a couple is so deeply entrenched in a negative view of their spouse and their marriage they often rewrite the past.  We remember everything that has gone wrong in the past.   

The key to reviving or divorce-proofing you marriage relationship is not in how you handle disagreements but in how you are with each other when you’re not fighting 

Strengthening your friendship is at the heart of every happy marriage.

Source:  The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman PH. D.

Myths About Marriage

Myths About Marriage

1.  You can save your marriage just by learning to communicate more sensitively. 

2.  Personality problems ruin marriages.

            We all have our crazy ways.  The key is finding someone you mesh with

            problems and all.  Accommodate each other’s strange side. 

3.  Common interests keep you together.

            It all depends on how you interact while pursuing those interests.

4.  You scratch my back and…

            Happy spouses don’t keep track on who’s done what in a marriage.

5.  Avoiding conflict will ruin your marriage.

            Couples have different styles of conflict.  No style is better than the other. 

            The important point here is that the style works for both people.

6.  Affairs are the root cause of divorce.

            It’s usually the other way around.  Marriages in trouble may send one or

            both out to look for an intimate relationship. 

7.  Men are not biologically “built” for marriage.

            The frequency of affairs doesn’t depend on gender as much as opportunity.

 

8.  Men and women are from different planets.

Gender differences may contribute to marital problems, but they don’t cause them. 

The determining factor in whether wives feel satisfied with the sex, romance, and passion in their marriage is, by 70%, the quality of the couple’s friendship.  For men, the determining factor is, by 70%, the quality of the couple’s friendship.  So men and women come from the same planet after all. 

Source:  The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman PH. D.

Friendship is the Key

Do you have an emotionally intelligent marriage? 

If you do, you recognize the importance of understanding, honoring and respecting your spouse.  Developing a good friendship is the key to a good marriage. 

Did you know people who stayed married live 4 years longer than people who don’t?

Happily married people get a boost to their immune system. 

Should you stay in a bad marriage for the sake of the kids?

Studies have shown that children who have lived in homes with great marital hostility had chronically elevated levels of stress hormones. 

These children suffered more truancy, depression, peer rejection, behavior problems, low achievement at school and even failure at school.

It is NOT WISE to stay in a bad marriage for the sake of your children.

A peaceful divorce is better that a warlike marriage…but how often are divorces peaceful?

It’s worth noting that children of divorce often fare just as poorly as those caught in miserable marriages. 

So what is the alternative?

            Work to make your marriage better. 

Source:  The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman PH. D.

           

How Much Does Your Marriage Mean Part 2

It's important to realize that both the husband and wife should contribute equally but differently to the relationship.

Do you recognize the things your spouse adds to your marriage?
Can you put into words how some of the things they do makes you feel?  
What have you done lately to mutually strengthen your relationship?  
What do you do to sustain and lift your partner?  

Elder Bruce C. Hafen, in a talk entitled Covenant Marriage, teaches us some things to watch out for that may creep into our marriages.  He calls them the three wolves.

The first wolf is natural adversity.  Every marriage is tested by this repeatedly.

Adversity can strengthen or rip apart marriage bonds.  What have you done in your marriage that has brought you together in a crisis?  
If you didn't grow closer in the last adverse situation, what will you do next time this wolf knocks at your door to make sure that doesn't happen again?    

The second wolf is our own imperfections.  Are we critical of our spouse?

Complement your spouse for something they have done recently.
Discuss how it makes you feel when your spouse is critical of you.  

The third wolf is excessive individualism.  There is an overemphasis on personal autonomy.

What do you love doing together with your spouse and family?
How does doing things together as opposed to individually build eternal bonds?  

We all need to come together and share our hearts and feelings about ways we can help our marriages grow to eternal perfection and be happier while we are here on earth together.   

How Much Does Your Marriage Mean to You?

When was the last time you asked yourself what you could do to be a better husband/wife to your spouse?   When was the last time you sat down together and talked about what is going well in your relationship and what needs some work?  Our cars go in for tune ups and oil changes on a regular basis to keep them running well, so, why not give that same consideration to our marriages?

Elder David A. Bednar in his talk entitled Marriage Is Essential to His Eternal Plan teaches some basic principles that are worth discussing with our spouse.

He teaches us that it's important to know that male and female spirits complete and perfect each other.  They work together as a complement towards exultation.

In what ways do you and your spouse complement each other?  
What is the best thing that your spouse does to support or complement you in your marriage?
Is there anything that you might want to work on to be a better help meet to each other?

Gender is an essential characteristic of individual, premortal, mortal and eternal identity and purpose. It defines who we are, why we are here and who we will become.

In what ways are you different and distinctive from your spouse?
How do you use those differences to your advantage?
Are you comfortable in the roles you play in your family?
How do you use those roles to the fullest to progress together towards perfection?  

And if I can be nice, I think all of us can be nice too!

This young girl just witnessed a disagreement between her parents over some shoes that had fallen off a poorly hung rack in the garage.  She is giving some great advice in how we can all live together in more happy, harmonious marriages.

The Case for Traditional Marriage

Until now I never really thought about how I could impact the value of traditional marriage.  I never thought about why I should be striving to share my views about the importance of traditional marriages.  These are some compelling reasons that we should stand up for traditional marriage.

Marriage is more then just an emotional union.  
It is a comprehensive, exclusive, permanent union and by it man and women, together, may produce new life.  Spouses hearts, minds and bodies are united in love.  Families are created by this bond that lasts into the eternities.  These families then form the backbone and a bridge to society.  It is in these eternal units that we learn to be unselfish, to sacrifice, to nurture and give love as well as to forgive.
                                                                                       Wardle, L. D., The Attack on Marriage

Children benefit from having a mother and father in the home.
A traditional marriage doesn't guarantee this, but a nontraditional union does guarantee that a child will not grow up with a mother and a father in the home.  Gender does matter.  God created us male and female and gave us divine qualities that are designed to be complementary to one another.  Mothers are to nurture their families.  Fathers are to provide, preside and protect their families.  Do these qualities ever cross the line and fathers nurture and mothers help provide, of course.  God has taught us to work together in families to love, nurture and raise our children in righteousness.

Can we see the effects that same sex unions have on the family?
Maybe not immediately.  It's not like diagnosing a broken leg.  Remember back in the day when smoking was touted as cooling for your throat and even doctors in their white lab coats were telling you it was okay?  How long did it take before we saw the devastating effects that smoking had on our health individually and on society as a whole.   This is where same sex unions and the redefinition of marriage is heading us today.

Why don't you just go enjoy your marriage and let other do as they want? 
This is a good question.  At first glance redefining marriage might not seem to affect traditional marriage.  That is just not so.  When we redefine marriage we weaken its social meaning, the connection we have with our spouse and we further weaken or parental responsibilities.  How?  Think of marriage as a thick, hearty stew.  It has simmered and thickened and is beautiful to behold; everyone knows the recipe.  Someone comes along and adds more broth to the stew, watering it down.  A few more things get added to change the taste and texture.  Soon the recipe is  anything goes, just throw it in the pot.  It doesn't matter if it's good for you.  You just want to throw it in because you can.    No one makes it the same anymore.  We begin to yearn for that old recipe that was nutritious and nurtured us, but no one knows what it was. The new stew just isn't as nutritious and we are yearning to get feeling better again by eating the original.  It's hard to get back to that hearty, thick and satisfying dish.  The original recipe no longer exists.  We are all ailing.

I love this quote:
 “Government policy ought not to discourage marriage by offering a substitute relationship that demands much less and provides much less than is needed by children and ultimately much less than is needed by society.”
                                                                              Governor Pete Wilson, California

Traditional marriage is not just between a man and a woman it is in partnership with God also.  We can't let the world distort this principle.  It is a compelling moral issue.  If we believe in traditional marriage we must take a stance.  Satan is attacking marriages and families.  We need to work every day to keep our marriages strong.  We need to rely on the Lord as our partner in our union.  Marriage is the foundation of our society.

Trends That Matter

Did you know:

Births to unmarried women have dramatically increased. By 2007 nearly 40% of all births reported were to unmarried women.  The statistics are even more shocking when you break them down by age and ethnicity.

          8 of 10 teenagers who bear children are unmarried
          Women in their early 20's-61% are unmarried
          Women 40 and older-21% are unmarried
          Among African-American women the rate is almost 72% who are unmarried

Cohabitation rates are rising.

          In 2008 there were 6.1 million unmarried couples
          Included were 754,000 same sex couples
          The majority of couples are under 40 years of age
          A substantial portion have children under 18 living with them

Premarital sex has increased.
       
          48% of high school teens have had sexual intercourse at least once
          68% of African-Americans had sexual intercourse
          52% of Hispanic students had sexual intercourse
          44% of white students had sexual intercourse

These trends and others should be alarming to all of us, yet, where are all the politicians and community leaders standing on these issues.  We don't know for many because they are not stepping forward to take a stand.  We live in a politically correct society.  Our leaders are afraid to stand up and say we need PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY.

Statistics from: Marriage and Family: The Quest for Intimacy, Eighth Addition, 2012

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.

~Martin Luther King, Jr.

       

Why Care?

Why should we care if we have strong marriages and families?

You might think marriage is just a simple arrangement validated by a piece of paper that makes it legal. 

It’s actually an important social institution and has implications that far exceed the simple happiness of the two that make the vows. 

Marriage is the beginning of small co-operative units.  These units form the foundation of our societies.  When strong marriages are cultivated, children thrive.

When these happy, healthy families work as connected, intact units it helps shore up communities.  Strong, united families are there for each other through the good and the bad times.   

The Family is of God

 Marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and the family is central to the creators plan and eternal destiny of His children.

                                                 The Family: A Proclamation to the World

The Family: A Proclamation to the World

THE FAMILY

---

A PROCLAMATION TO THE WORLD

The First Presidency and Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

WE, THE FIRST PRESIDENCY and the Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.

ALL HUMAN BEINGS—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.

IN THE PREMORTAL REALM, spirit sons and daughters knew and worshipped God as their Eternal Father and accepted His plan by which His children could obtain a physical body and gain earthly experience to progress toward perfection and ultimately realize their divine destiny as heirs of eternal life. The divine plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave. Sacred ordinances and covenants available in holy temples make it possible for individuals to return to the presence of God and for families to be united eternally.

THE FIRST COMMANDMENT that God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and wife. We declare that God’s commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force. We further declare that God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife.

WE DECLARE the means by which mortal life is created to be divinely appointed. We affirm the sanctity of life and of its importance in God’s eternal plan.

HUSBAND AND WIFE have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. “Children are an heritage of the Lord” (Psalm 127:3). Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.

THE FAMILY is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. Extended families should lend support when needed.

WE WARN that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God. Further, we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets.

WE CALL UPON responsible citizens and officers of government everywhere to promote those measures designed to maintain and strengthen the family as the fundamental unit of society.

Back to School

So excited to be going back to school.  Grateful to have this great guy cheering me on.