Creating a Soul Satisfying Marriage

This week I was lucky enough to attend the World Congress of Families held in Salt Lake City, October 27-30, 2015.  One of the speakers I particularly liked was Wendy Ulrich.  She is an author and former President of the Association of Mormon counselors and Psychologists.   She talked about marriage and how we will navigate through 4 stages in marriage. 

1.  Honeymoon Stage…I love everything about my Snuggles.

This is the stage when our hormones check in.  We have finally found the one that will replace our parents.  This person will be our primary attachment bond.  At this stage we feel better about ourselves and we feel more loving. 

Unfortunately, this stage does not last forever.  Caution:  Those who are the happiest are the ones who are realistic and realize that their new partner has flaws.  We need to realize that love is worth the risk and some vulnerability is good. 

2.  The I Love You But….power struggle stage. 

We have come to realize that the person we married has some weird habits and they don’t actually share all our goals and values. 

Maybe we aren’t compatible after all!

Will we work things out?  This stage pushes us to our growing edge.  Change and growth is the meat and potatoes of married life.

Marital success and satisfaction depends on how well we solve problems together.  Dr. Gottman in his book, The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work,  said that 69% of marital problems will never get fully solved.  Well, my marriage is normal after all!  We must have a sense of humor, compassion and a curiosity about how our spouse turned out the way they did at this stage. 

We need to learn to claim our power without being overpowering.  Maybe we need to address our problems by asking our spouse, “So, how open minded are you feeling?”  We need to talk and be committed to civility. 

Brene Brown teaches us to begin a weighty conversation with, “The story I’m making up in my head about this is…” 

3.  What was your name again…distancing yourself stage.

In this phase you might feel like you are surviving and not thriving and wondering if it’s all worth it.  This is a time when you might want to have a little independence.  You still value unity as a family but you may travel a bit on separate paths that will converge again just down the pathway.  You use this distance as a time to learn.  This is not giving up but growing up. 

4.  Acceptance stage.

This is when you begin to deeply value and respect your spouse.  You drop all the blame and shame.  Each problem you work through is like a drop of glue that holds you together.  It transforms us into something we love.  We grow old together.  We grow up together. 

What do you think?

The most valued qualities in a mate.

(source:  Adapted from Buss et al. 2001)

By men                                                                 By women
1.  Mutual attraction, love                                      1.  Mutual attraction, love
2.  Dependable character                                       2.  Dependable character
3.  Emotional stability, maturity                               3.  Emotional stability, maturity
4.  Pleasing disposition                                           4.  Pleasing disposition
5.  Education, intelligence                                       5.  Education, intelligence
6.  Good health                                                      6.  Desire for home, children
7.  Sociability                                                         7.  Ambition, industriousness
8.  Good looks                                                       8.  Sociability
9.  Desire for home, children                                   9.  Good health
10. Ambition, industriousness                                 10. Similar education background

How does your list stack up? 

 Are you surprised by how well these lists match up?  

Predicting Divorce

Predicting Divorce

How would you describe your marriage?  Happy, hectic, stressful or loving? 

No marriage is perfect but when two people are committed to staying together, they look for ways to help understand each other, build loving friendship and look ahead to help minimize the bumps in the road. 

SIGNS TO WATCH FOR

The first sign:  Harsh Start Up

Are you or your spouse negative and argumentative from the get go?  Are you sarcastic and critical right off the bat in an argument?  This is referred to as a harsh start up.  Disagreements started off this way are destined to end on a negative note.

 

The second sign:  The 4 Horsemen

Horseman #1  Criticism

A criticism goes beyond a complaint and adds some negative words about your mate’s character or personality. 

Horseman #2  Contempt

Contempt conveys disgust.  Sarcasm and cynicism are types of contempt.  Name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery and hostile humor are all forms of contempt.  Contempt can only lead to more conflict. 

Couples who are contemptuous of each other

are more likely to suffer from infectious

illnesses than other people.

Horseman #3  Defensiveness

Defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner.  The problem isn’t me, it’s you. 

Horseman #4  Stonewalling

One partner tunes out the other.  The less responsive the partner is the more the other yells.  Stonewallers avoid a fight but they also avoid their marriages.

The third sign:  Flooding

Flooding means that your spouse’s negativity is so overwhelming, and so sudden, that it leaves you shell shocked.  You feel defenseless and do anything to avoid the situation.  You emotionally disengage.   

The fourth sign:  Body language

Your heart speeds up, hormonal changes occur, blood pressure goes up and your body secretes adrenaline which kicks I the fight or flight response.  The body perceives your current situation as dangerous.  Your ability to process information is reduced.  It’s harder to pay attention.  Your options at this point are: fight, act critical and contemptuous, or defensive or flee, stonewall. 

The fifth sign:  Failed repair attempts

Repair attempts are efforts the couple is making to deescalate the tension during a touchy discussion.  This puts the brakes on flooding.  Repair attempts save a marriage. 

The sixth sign:  Bad memories

When a couple is so deeply entrenched in a negative view of their spouse and their marriage they often rewrite the past.  We remember everything that has gone wrong in the past.   

The key to reviving or divorce-proofing you marriage relationship is not in how you handle disagreements but in how you are with each other when you’re not fighting 

Strengthening your friendship is at the heart of every happy marriage.

Source:  The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman PH. D.

Myths About Marriage

Myths About Marriage

1.  You can save your marriage just by learning to communicate more sensitively. 

2.  Personality problems ruin marriages.

            We all have our crazy ways.  The key is finding someone you mesh with

            problems and all.  Accommodate each other’s strange side. 

3.  Common interests keep you together.

            It all depends on how you interact while pursuing those interests.

4.  You scratch my back and…

            Happy spouses don’t keep track on who’s done what in a marriage.

5.  Avoiding conflict will ruin your marriage.

            Couples have different styles of conflict.  No style is better than the other. 

            The important point here is that the style works for both people.

6.  Affairs are the root cause of divorce.

            It’s usually the other way around.  Marriages in trouble may send one or

            both out to look for an intimate relationship. 

7.  Men are not biologically “built” for marriage.

            The frequency of affairs doesn’t depend on gender as much as opportunity.

 

8.  Men and women are from different planets.

Gender differences may contribute to marital problems, but they don’t cause them. 

The determining factor in whether wives feel satisfied with the sex, romance, and passion in their marriage is, by 70%, the quality of the couple’s friendship.  For men, the determining factor is, by 70%, the quality of the couple’s friendship.  So men and women come from the same planet after all. 

Source:  The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman PH. D.

Friendship is the Key

Do you have an emotionally intelligent marriage? 

If you do, you recognize the importance of understanding, honoring and respecting your spouse.  Developing a good friendship is the key to a good marriage. 

Did you know people who stayed married live 4 years longer than people who don’t?

Happily married people get a boost to their immune system. 

Should you stay in a bad marriage for the sake of the kids?

Studies have shown that children who have lived in homes with great marital hostility had chronically elevated levels of stress hormones. 

These children suffered more truancy, depression, peer rejection, behavior problems, low achievement at school and even failure at school.

It is NOT WISE to stay in a bad marriage for the sake of your children.

A peaceful divorce is better that a warlike marriage…but how often are divorces peaceful?

It’s worth noting that children of divorce often fare just as poorly as those caught in miserable marriages. 

So what is the alternative?

            Work to make your marriage better. 

Source:  The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman PH. D.

           

How Much Does Your Marriage Mean Part 2

It's important to realize that both the husband and wife should contribute equally but differently to the relationship.

Do you recognize the things your spouse adds to your marriage?
Can you put into words how some of the things they do makes you feel?  
What have you done lately to mutually strengthen your relationship?  
What do you do to sustain and lift your partner?  

Elder Bruce C. Hafen, in a talk entitled Covenant Marriage, teaches us some things to watch out for that may creep into our marriages.  He calls them the three wolves.

The first wolf is natural adversity.  Every marriage is tested by this repeatedly.

Adversity can strengthen or rip apart marriage bonds.  What have you done in your marriage that has brought you together in a crisis?  
If you didn't grow closer in the last adverse situation, what will you do next time this wolf knocks at your door to make sure that doesn't happen again?    

The second wolf is our own imperfections.  Are we critical of our spouse?

Complement your spouse for something they have done recently.
Discuss how it makes you feel when your spouse is critical of you.  

The third wolf is excessive individualism.  There is an overemphasis on personal autonomy.

What do you love doing together with your spouse and family?
How does doing things together as opposed to individually build eternal bonds?  

We all need to come together and share our hearts and feelings about ways we can help our marriages grow to eternal perfection and be happier while we are here on earth together.   

How Much Does Your Marriage Mean to You?

When was the last time you asked yourself what you could do to be a better husband/wife to your spouse?   When was the last time you sat down together and talked about what is going well in your relationship and what needs some work?  Our cars go in for tune ups and oil changes on a regular basis to keep them running well, so, why not give that same consideration to our marriages?

Elder David A. Bednar in his talk entitled Marriage Is Essential to His Eternal Plan teaches some basic principles that are worth discussing with our spouse.

He teaches us that it's important to know that male and female spirits complete and perfect each other.  They work together as a complement towards exultation.

In what ways do you and your spouse complement each other?  
What is the best thing that your spouse does to support or complement you in your marriage?
Is there anything that you might want to work on to be a better help meet to each other?

Gender is an essential characteristic of individual, premortal, mortal and eternal identity and purpose. It defines who we are, why we are here and who we will become.

In what ways are you different and distinctive from your spouse?
How do you use those differences to your advantage?
Are you comfortable in the roles you play in your family?
How do you use those roles to the fullest to progress together towards perfection?  

And if I can be nice, I think all of us can be nice too!

This young girl just witnessed a disagreement between her parents over some shoes that had fallen off a poorly hung rack in the garage.  She is giving some great advice in how we can all live together in more happy, harmonious marriages.

The Case for Traditional Marriage

Until now I never really thought about how I could impact the value of traditional marriage.  I never thought about why I should be striving to share my views about the importance of traditional marriages.  These are some compelling reasons that we should stand up for traditional marriage.

Marriage is more then just an emotional union.  
It is a comprehensive, exclusive, permanent union and by it man and women, together, may produce new life.  Spouses hearts, minds and bodies are united in love.  Families are created by this bond that lasts into the eternities.  These families then form the backbone and a bridge to society.  It is in these eternal units that we learn to be unselfish, to sacrifice, to nurture and give love as well as to forgive.
                                                                                       Wardle, L. D., The Attack on Marriage

Children benefit from having a mother and father in the home.
A traditional marriage doesn't guarantee this, but a nontraditional union does guarantee that a child will not grow up with a mother and a father in the home.  Gender does matter.  God created us male and female and gave us divine qualities that are designed to be complementary to one another.  Mothers are to nurture their families.  Fathers are to provide, preside and protect their families.  Do these qualities ever cross the line and fathers nurture and mothers help provide, of course.  God has taught us to work together in families to love, nurture and raise our children in righteousness.

Can we see the effects that same sex unions have on the family?
Maybe not immediately.  It's not like diagnosing a broken leg.  Remember back in the day when smoking was touted as cooling for your throat and even doctors in their white lab coats were telling you it was okay?  How long did it take before we saw the devastating effects that smoking had on our health individually and on society as a whole.   This is where same sex unions and the redefinition of marriage is heading us today.

Why don't you just go enjoy your marriage and let other do as they want? 
This is a good question.  At first glance redefining marriage might not seem to affect traditional marriage.  That is just not so.  When we redefine marriage we weaken its social meaning, the connection we have with our spouse and we further weaken or parental responsibilities.  How?  Think of marriage as a thick, hearty stew.  It has simmered and thickened and is beautiful to behold; everyone knows the recipe.  Someone comes along and adds more broth to the stew, watering it down.  A few more things get added to change the taste and texture.  Soon the recipe is  anything goes, just throw it in the pot.  It doesn't matter if it's good for you.  You just want to throw it in because you can.    No one makes it the same anymore.  We begin to yearn for that old recipe that was nutritious and nurtured us, but no one knows what it was. The new stew just isn't as nutritious and we are yearning to get feeling better again by eating the original.  It's hard to get back to that hearty, thick and satisfying dish.  The original recipe no longer exists.  We are all ailing.

I love this quote:
 “Government policy ought not to discourage marriage by offering a substitute relationship that demands much less and provides much less than is needed by children and ultimately much less than is needed by society.”
                                                                              Governor Pete Wilson, California

Traditional marriage is not just between a man and a woman it is in partnership with God also.  We can't let the world distort this principle.  It is a compelling moral issue.  If we believe in traditional marriage we must take a stance.  Satan is attacking marriages and families.  We need to work every day to keep our marriages strong.  We need to rely on the Lord as our partner in our union.  Marriage is the foundation of our society.